Is Sex Addiction Real?

This is the first blog post in a three blog post series that is focusing on understanding what sexual addiction and pornography addiction is. This article is asking the question is sex addiction real? The next two articles that will be released within the next few weeks will answer the question of what is sex addiction and what is porn addiction. Those articles are going to look at the specifics of what would make up those addictions. 

Before we ask the question of is sex addiction real, we need to be clear on what we are talking about when we say addiction. 

What is Addiction?

Addiction is an escalating pattern of out of control behavior with an inability to stop despite adverse social, legal, financial, occupational and relationship consequences. Addiction is when someone uses a substance or activity to numb or alter a mood and change the way they feel. 

When most people think of addiction, they think of chemical addiction where someone is using a substance to achieve an altered mood or mindstate. However, we know that behavioral addiction is when someone uses behavior to archive an altered mood or state. Growing up and living in Las Vegas has always made it clear to me that gaming addiction is real. That is a clear example of a behavioral addiction.

What is Numbing? 

First, let us look at people as a whole and how we deal with uncomfortable emotions. Keeping it really basic I would say that we handle uncomfortable emotions like sadness, jealousy, boredom, rejection, in one of two different ways. We accept the feelings by working through them or we numb the feelings.

I think we all tend to numb feelings sometimes. It might be saying something like I am really stressed at work and just need to sit and binge watch the latest series on Netflix.  Numbing can also lead to more destructive behaviors such as drinking, drug usage, and overall disconnection to yourself and your relationships.  

So is Sex Addiction Real?

I wish the answer was a simple yes or no. There is not enough empirical evidence to say that sex addiction or porn addiction is a mental disorder that would show up in the DSM (the authority on mental health issues). On December 6th, 2016, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and therapist (AASECT) relates a statement saying that human sexuality is much more complicated than just saying someone is an addict. They encourage therapist to not pathologies consensual sexual behavior meaning that it is not about right, wrong, good, bad. Those of us who study, human sexual behavior are counting to learn that there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to sexuality.

The World Health Organization has also updated the classification that means compulsive sexual health visored is no diagnosed. They review this disorder as a “persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in reptile sexual behavior.” 

What this means is that when some sexual behaviors can become problematic in your life, and negatively affect your goals, and destroy important relationships. The question I ask my clients is, does your sexual behavior adversely affect important aspect in your life? If the answer is yes maybe you do have an addiction compulsion or you are just using sex to numb some type of emotional pain. So coming back to answer the questions is sex addiction a real thing? The answer is YES. From numerous affairs to hiding and lying about pornography use, mistrust and betrayals, along with shame and guilt are connected with numbing sexual behaviors.

Sexual Addiction is Not a Catch All For All Sexual Behavior

Since the Me Too moment we have seen many people state that their behavior was because of sexual addiction. You can learn more about the differences in my post on sexual harassment, sexual assault and sexual addiction here. The critical thing to remember sexual addiction is not a catch-all for sexual behavior, to have a sexual addiction; you must hit many criteria. I have put together a sexual addiction quiz that will help you determine if your sexual behavior is problematic or not. 

Sexual addiction is not the same as sexual orientation or sexual fantasies. My fear with some therapists who want to help those with numbing sexual behaviors is that they want to help cure them. From homosexuality to specific fetishes. There is nothing inherently wrong with fetishes, homosexuality or other sexual behavior. The goal is to find a therapist that will help you get to the root these feelings and learn how to process them.

I tell my clients who struggle with unwanted sexual compulsive behavior – it is not about right, wrong, good, bad; does this behavior work for you?

What About Porn Addiction?

The effect of porn can range depending on the type of relationship, and how porn is used (such as the amount of time, money spent, the awareness of your partner). I work with many couples, and when I talk to the guys alone they always state what’s the big deal, all guys look at porn. or My wife sees porn the same as cheating. The problem with porn is if you hide, lie, and cover it up from your partner porn becomes a breeding ground for guilt and shame. Brene Brown a prominent shame researcher states that shame lives on secrecy, silence, and judgment. Some people are able to look at porn and it does not negatively affect them or their relationship. However, in my experience, the effects of looking at porn can drive distance, pain, and even end relationships.

What do you do if you think you or your partner has a problem with sexual addiction?

If you found this blog post because you might be a sex addiction or you might be reading this because you have thought “I think my husband is a sex addict” take a deep breath. When I meet with couples when there has been a recent discovery of sexual addiction, I encourage them not to make any major life decision for at least 12 months.  Take the surveys below to see if sex or porn is a problem in your life. 

If you are ready to start the journey of healing check out our FREE Course in First Steps into Recovery.