What is Sex Addiction?

In my last post, I asked the questions is sex addiction real? To read the full answer check out that post, but the short answer is yes sex addiction is real. Yet one of the things that I list in that article is sexual addiction a catch-all for all unhealthy or unwanted sexual behaviors? Are religious conservatives using sex addiction to limit and shame healthy sexual acts? Or is the opposite true that liberal sexual people are fighting the label of sexual addiction because they do not see a problem with their behavior morally? These are hard questions, and while I am an expert in working with those with sexually addictive behaviors, I am also a strong proponent of healthy sexuality that is not limited by religious or cultural views. So with the article, I hope to walk the tightrope in explain what sex addiction is and what healthy sexuality. (This blog post is limited to sexual addiction with no specific focus on pornography addiction. You can read more about what is porn addiction here.) 

Sex Addiction?  

Sex Addiction like any other addiction or problem behavior is when sexual behavior becomes out of control, and you are unable to stop giving negative social, legal, professional or relationship consequences. Sexual addiction is also labeled as a sexual dependency, hypersexuality, or compulsive sexual behavior. It is estimated that 12 to 30 million people in the United States experience a form of sexual addiction, affecting both men and women. 

Sexual addiction is compulsive behaviors that can include any sexual activities such as porn (learn about what porn addiction is here) chronic masturbation, paying for sex, having multiple partners, taking part in risk-taking sexual behaviors. These behaviors must be creating a leave of distress in someone’s life. At the bottom of this article, I have listed a quick assessment on if you or your partner might have a sex addiction. 

Sexual Addictive Symptoms 

Behaviors could include:

• Fail to meet commitments or carry out responsibilities due to my sexual actions or thoughts.
• Having recurrent, intense sexual fantasies, urges/behaviors 
• The frequency or intensity of sexual fantasies, behaviors, urges are creating significant distress or impairment of daily functioning 
• Spending more money than you can afford on sexual activities or sexually explicated materials.
• Feeling guilty or shameful after engaging in sexual activities or sexual fantasy.
• Risk-taking sexual activities including, unsafe places, in public, unprotected sex.
• A significant relationship in my life end because I am unable to stop sexual activities outside the relationship.
• You use sex as an escape, relieve anxiety, and just to cope with problems.
• You can not get rid of my sexual thoughts and behaviors even when they are causing problems in my life.

Attitudes & Beliefs:

• Inability to control sexual urges and respect the boundaries of others. This could look like always talking about sex, making a sexual joke, innuendos, and push psychical boundaries of others. 
• Sexual actives are not emotionally satisfying.
• eelings of shame and guilt.  
• Feeling obsession with wanting to attract others, being “in love” staring new relationship or have lots of new relationships. 
• Sexual behavior continue to increase affecting fetish tastes, and increasing  risk-taking behavior.

Causes of Sexual addiction? 

I tell my clients to be human is to be at risk for any addictive behavior. There is never one reason why someone because a sex addict, however, there are common themes that exist in many with sexually compulsive behavior. For many clients I have worked with the path that leads them to sexual addiction include isolation, past trauma, unable to process negative or difficult emotions, life stress and other social factors such as family dysfunction. Many clients will see how many of these events no matter how big, or small lead them to use sex and sexuality as a way to numb or escape. 

Outcomes of Sexual Addiction 

If left untreated those with sexually compulsive behavior will see many adverse outcomes. For some the patterns of escalation are small and take many years to become out of control, while others will escalate quickly creating several negative life consequences. Many complications from sex addiction include 

• Family problems from divorce, or rejection from kids, partners, siblings 
• Lose of a job because of sexual behavior 
• Financial problems – from spending on sexual behaviors or legal fees connected to sexual behavior.  
• Health risk including STI’s 
• Legal problems  

Healthy Sexuality Vs. Sexual Addiction 

Many aspects of sexuality are healthy, and those same aspects can be used by someone who has problematic sexual behavior. Thises behaviors could include: 

Masturbation

Masturbation is a part of human development and is something that has lots of shame within our culture. Self-pleasure through masturbation is the first sexual expires many of us have. Using masturbation can be a healthy aspect of your sexuality. For many sexual addict chronic masturbation is a problem. They would rather masturbate than to connect and have sex with their partner. They will masturbate in inappropriate spaces including in public. For the sex addict masturbation is not used as a healthy sexual release but used as a way to escape from boredom, loneliness, or other uncomfortable emotions. 

Multiple Sexual Partners 

There is no “slut shaming” here. If your moral belief is not compromised by your sexual behavior having multiple sexual partners is ok. The key to healthy ways to have multiple partners is are you practicing safe sex by using condoms. I say condoms because protect is not about avoiding pregnancy but doing what you can to prevent a STIs. Are you clear with your sexual partners what your expeditions are upfront or are you leading them on? If you are upfront, using protect, and getting tested regularity you are displaying healthy sexual active. 

If having multiple sexual partners is something time-consuming, and is taking all of your attention. You don’t practice safe sex with all of your partners, or you lie or don’t share what your real expeditions are about a sexual experience then you are possible showing sexual addictive behavior. 

If having multiple sexual partners includes constant use of drugs or alcohol that too is also problematic. Paying for sex through massage parlors or prostitution is problematic behavior because of the healthy and legal risk involved.

Sexual Fetish 

From BDSM to foot fetishes, to exploring your own sexuality, sexual fetishes are a healthy part of your sexuality. Exploring what turns you on and improve your sex life with your partner is something you should explore. Yet healthy exploration is talking with your partner about it, not forcing anything that makes you or your partner uncomfortable, and you have explored where your fetishes taste come from. 

The nature of sex addiction can drive healthy sexual fetishes into an unhealthy form. To get more of a “high” from sexual behavior, you might push yourself to do more and more sexual fetishes. You might feel disgusted with yourself after acting out these fetishes. Many who have found sobriety from sex addiction find that their fetish tase was not really what they wanted but a side effect of the addiction. To explore this, you should seek out a trained therapist who has experience working with sexual addiction. 

Same-Sex Attraction 

There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about having an attraction to the same sex or exploring that part of your sexuality. Working with a queer-friendly therapist can help you get to understand that part of you. Exploring your sexuality is an essential part of recovery from sex addiction. S

Just because you have a same-sex attraction does not mean that you are a sex addict or it is part of sex addiction. Many will use shame, religious beliefs to say that all same-sex attraction is part of sex addiction. That is wrong and very dangerous! If you find yourself participating in same-sex sexual behavior seek out a queer-friendly therapist who also understand sexual addiction. 

Pornography

You can read more about how pornography can be used in a healthy way along with how it is unhealthy at my article what is porn addiction. 

This is just a small list of the differences between healthy sexuality versus sexual addiction. If you would like to learn more please leave a commit below. 

Start Recovery for your Sexual Addiction 

If you or your partner is struggling with sexual addiction, it is never too late to start to live a life of recovery. Seek out a trained therapist who has worked with sexual addiction. If you are not ready for help from a trained therapist, you can start my online program (the first course is free). This psychoeducation program will help stop unwanted sexual behavior, get to the root causes your behavior, and help you improve your relationship.